Going Going Gone

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There was sadness in her. She could see it in her own eyes when she glanced at her reflection in mirrors, windows, and still water. It had started small, in a place deep down and she had tried to smother it with denial and then expressions of pain and anger. She worked hard to laugh and she kept herself moving with the ridiculous home that it would all would work itself out. But it didn’t.

The darkness expanded inside and invaded her thoughts. Her feelings were wrapped up in every thought she had, even those thoughts that had nothing to do with the reasons. She did not realize that the despondency affected everything she did. How she lived. The solitary state of her life.

Then, as one year ended and the start of another began, she began to explore the cracks and crevices, slowly pulling the darkness out of each and examining it with her mind. She wanted to step away in disgust and fear and yet she was compelled to look even more deeply.

She wasn’t angry because of him.

She was angry with herself.

He had never stopped being who he was and who he was and he was the man with whom she had fallen deeply in love.

It was her that was changing. After all these years, she was struggling to grow up and move forward and remaining in the same place felt as though it would kill her soul.

She had shoved aside every dream she had in order to accept the choice she had made when she was not old enough to know her family was right. She had thrown her dreams away and allowed herself a new dream. Every time that dream fell apart, she would react, but she did not give up on that dream. Perhaps it was because she had given up on one dream. She refused to give up on another, even if this one had gone from joy to nightmare over and over.

And then she had awoken.

She pulled out one small suitcase and a gym bag and carefully packed them with as much care as she could. She would have to leave most of her things behind. Her dishes. Her books. Her television, her photos… She knew he would keep most of it and get rid of the rest. But her choice consisted of staying or leaving and she knew she couldn’t stay.

She had been able to buy a one way train ticket home with the money she received from selling her computer and printer. She had sold her game system and the games that went with it for enough money to provide her with food and cigarettes.

Her cousin would meet her at the station at the end of her journey.

She looked at her watch for the tenth time in the last 10 minutes. She still had an hour to wait until she could catch a ride to the station.

She dropped to the floor and cried. She loved him. She knew she had to leave, but she loved him. She didn’t know what the future held. It was wide open, but fogged, and there was something scary about the fog.

There was something scary about breaking his heart.

Hers was already broken.

She had to heal and she knew she could not do it with him.

 

 

 

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